Hand Shandy

Sorry to post on top of the latest chapter from Nick, but I have created a PDF version of the story so far, complete with crappy clipart! And best of all - its all in the right order! We need a nice illustration for the front cover too - Uber... get Dilf on the case! Download the PDF here: Handshandy - The Search For Blogadoon . Note: The file is stored on Savefile.com which will host it for ever - as long as there is a download every 14 days. If it's missing, email me to get another copy uploaded. UPDATE by Nick Download the American version here. Mine will be there forever, no matter how many times it is downloaded or when those downloads occur. In your face, Tao! END UPDATE

When he was a younger man, Captain Beefheart had a proclivity for gambling. He had a knack for winning when there was risk involved. His comrades would say he was seraphically lucky, his enemies would say he was a disgusting, cheating fucker. There was one game in particular that was his favorite, Har'Tahkian Parcheesi. He won a great deal of money and made a great deal more enemies playing it. It was in this game that he acquired the, now gutted, SS Beefheart. He won it (fair and square) from a Warmonger named Caruthers in a particularly bloody match. The SS Beefheart is, at its core, a Quantum Class Cruiser, capable of trans-light speed travel but limited weaponry and fuck-all for shields. As chance would have it, Beefheart was owed a great deal of money by a Mechanics Guild that offered to “modify” his newly acquired ship in lieu of paying their debt. Beefheart agreed, knowing that Caruthers would not let this very public defeat go. The chief gear head, Mike, assembled h...

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"The what now?" Asked Ensign Pereira as he calmly sipped his mocha. He noticed that when Lieutenant Milf made the coffee it always had a little nutmeg in it. He could tell she really cared. "Listen you imbecile.." Milf grabbed young Anthony by his collar and pulled him out of his seat so his face was parallel with hers. (The force with which Ubermilf yanked Anthony up caused him to spill his coffee on Piebeards leg.) "The Church is here to kill us. Somehow they found out that we are in search of Blogadoon. We must leave now, I'm sure that The Armada has already begun to bear down on us." Captain Beefheart was visibly shaken. He had been a captive of The Church when he was younger. They had tortured him unremittingly and he still experienced the ill-effects of their diabolical ways. He regained his compsure and started barking out orders. "Cheyenne, send a coded message to the Pirate Colonies on Evor'lrak IV. Tell them The Church is in...

The Church was formed in the early 21st Century Earth culture, in an area known as “Texas” in what was known as the “United States of America.” Founders developed a unique formula to attract adherents: take all the world religions, subtract any pesky requirements involving mercy, understanding, or sharing, and highlight the necessity of hating and killing anyone different from the worshipper. Greed was also highly encouraged. It spread like wildfire throughout the world, the galaxy, and the universe. Giant indoor venues were created. No religious iconography could be found anywhere, and altars were replaced by Jumbo-trons. Children were sent to play video games, where they simulated killing. Depending on where they were located, they could “Mangle the Muslim,” “Hurt the Hindu”, “Jab the Jew,” “Crush the Christian,” or “Smear the Queer.” As it spread, every culture and species added its own group to hate. Each group believed themselves to be the “true Church,” and thus began the ...

Captain Beefheart barked a few gruff words in an attempt to restore some order to the meeting. The crew were showing signs of hysteria and the now kicked in sugar rush from the Brownies Ubermilf had provided as "meeting bait" was only adding to the mayhem. She punched another code into the "Net-Rep" replicator device and downloaded a glass coffee caffatiere, seventeen mugs and began to hand round the hot java brew. The device had only recently been repaired by the ships droids after another unknown crew member had attempted to replicate a copy of Angelina Jolie downloaded from the Internet. The attached virus that crashed the device replicated into a pair of giant lips that consumed the whole of the crews ready room area. Nanobots were dispatched to clean the mess up but were put on stand-by for three hours after Nick Seaman was spotted writhing in the puffy red mass, naked. "Well if it's not WhiteBoyBob who's gone an' crashed his space girth into o...

“If we’re quite finished here, sir, I’d like to see what has upset Mr. Owl,” Ubermilf said evenly, masking her irritation with Beefheart with a coolly placid demeanor. Owl was a favorite of hers, and Beefheart knew it. “Good luck with that!” snorted the Captain. “He’s a loony!” Her heels clicking briskly and efficiently down the smooth surface of the corridor, Ubermilf set off for Owl’s sleep compartment, muttering to herself. While the other crew members saw an easily tormented victim of jokes and pranks, Helga saw a sweet, sensitive man filled with gentle humor and fascinating insight. Her favoritism of him only drew more abuse to him, however; with so little female attention to go around, the crew was bound to feel jealous from time to time. “Owl?” she tapped on his door. “Sweetie? It’s Helga.” The sole answer she received was a low moan from inside the cabin. She activated the door with her master (in this case, mistress) key card. She found Owl on his bed, knees tucked int...