The Story So Far.....

Sorry to post on top of the latest chapter from Nick, but I have created a PDF version of the story so far, complete with crappy clipart! And best of all - its all in the right order!

We need a nice illustration for the front cover too - Uber... get Dilf on the case!
Download the PDF here:

Handshandy - The Search For Blogadoon.


Note: The file is stored on Savefile.com which will host it for ever - as long as there is a download every 14 days. If it's missing, email me to get another copy uploaded.


UPDATE by Nick

Download the American version here.

Mine will be there forever, no matter how many times it is downloaded or when those downloads occur. In your face, Tao!

END UPDATE

The Last Leg To Port

When he was a younger man, Captain Beefheart had a proclivity for gambling. He had a knack for winning when there was risk involved. His comrades would say he was seraphically lucky, his enemies would say he was a disgusting, cheating fucker. There was one game in particular that was his favorite, Har'Tahkian Parcheesi. He won a great deal of money and made a great deal more enemies playing it. It was in this game that he acquired the, now gutted, SS Beefheart. He won it (fair and square) from a Warmonger named Caruthers in a particularly bloody match.

The SS Beefheart is, at its core, a Quantum Class Cruiser, capable of trans-light speed travel but limited weaponry and fuck-all for shields. As chance would have it, Beefheart was owed a great deal of money by a Mechanics Guild that offered to “modify” his newly acquired ship in lieu of paying their debt. Beefheart agreed, knowing that Caruthers would not let this very public defeat go. The chief gear head, Mike, assembled his crew and modified the SS Beefheart into its current incarnation. Faster than ever and loaded to bear with shields and guns, The Beefheart was a paragon of Space Pirate Transportation. Their debt repaid, The Mechanics wished Beefheart well and sent him on his way. It wasn’t long before Caruthers caught wind of what Mike + The Mechanics had done to his precious ship and he wrought swift death upon them.

Our good captain has never suffered murderers and tyrants well. When the news of the massacre reached him, he decided he would show Caruthers, first hand, the fine work that The Guild had done for him. With Piebeard at the helm and himself and WhiteBoyBob manning the turrets, Warmonger Caruthers’ fleet of murderous dogs were viciously beaten with the rolled up newspaper of justice. Caruthers pleaded for his life but WhiteBoyBob introduced him to Stella.

---

Captain Beefheart reflected upon this memory as he gazed upon the battered and bruised SS Beefheart from the observation deck. Just then Bounty Hunter Killer Hunter WhiteBoyBob entered the room.

“Oi, Bob.” He hollered.

“Wassat, mate?”

“Remember Caruthers?”

A toothy grin appeared on Bob’s face.

“Aye. A right cunt, that one. Blasted his chest open like a shed door, too. Happier times mate, happier times.”

Beefheart began to chuckle.

“That they were, mate.”

The two laughed a bit more and then silence permeated the deck. After a few moments Beefheart spoke again.

“I actually called you up here for a reason. I know you are a freelancer now, but this situation we’re in is only going to get worse and I wanted to know if you’d stick it out with us, for old time’s sake. Of course we would pay you once we reach Blogadoon, and that fool Piebeard digs up my treasure.”

Bob looked out of the windows of the observation deck and rubbed his dirty fingers on his chin, flecking away some dried Anoovidal Honey. Beefheart winced a bit and continued his pitch.

“Some of these recruits are far too green to be worth a damn in a battle, assuming they even stay on after we reach port. I need a good man to train them. And don’t forget, we’ll pay you.”

Bob looked over at Beefheart.

“No.”

“Get fucked then, you numpty twat!” Beefheart bellowed.

Bob cackled. “I mean ‘no, you don’t have to pay me’, I’ll do it. I’ve missed this life. Stella’s been clamoring for bodies and God knows I need the exercise.” He extended his hand and Beefheart shook it vigorously. “Plus,” Bob added, “The scenery is none too shabby.” He nodded towards the door that Lieutenant Milf had just walked through.

Beefheart spun around wedging himself firmly between the two.

“Good news Helga, Bob has agreed to stay on and help train the new recruits.”

“Shit…” she lamented. “…That’s great news.” She recovered quickly. “Could I have a moment of your time Captain? We are going to be reaching port in a matter of minutes, Sir. You should come strap in and advise the crew.”

“I’ll be right there. I just need to finish up here.”

With a nod, Lieutenant Milf exited. Captain Beefheart turned back to Bob and spoke.

“One more thing, mate. Now that you are officially a crewman, there’ll be no… fraternizing, got it?”

Bob looked downright hurt as Beefheart spoke the words. He response carried a sad tone.

“Oh alright.”

---

With restored confidence, Beefheart walked onto the bridge.

“Ensign Pereria, status report.”

“Sir, we are approximately 4 minutes from breaking light speed, and an additional 10 minutes from making port.”

“Excellent.” Beefheart looked over at his first mate, Piebeard, who was currently engaged in some sort video game frivolity.

“Oi, Pie.”

Piebeard was too involved in the game to notice his Captain speaking to him.

“Piebeard!”

“Hang on, I’m almost to level 12.”

Captain Beefheart snatched the device from Piebeard’s hands and flung across the bridge, Franklin, who was walking by caught it as if he were expecting it.

“What’s so bloody important?” Piebeard was speaking to the captain but he never took his eyes off of Franklin.

“We’re about to break light-speed, inform the crew.”

Piebeard grabbed the coms, still eyeballing Franklin. The robot glanced over at him and, as far as Piebeard could tell, winked at him, then proceeded to crush his gaming device and stuffed it into his compartment.

Piebeard shot out of his seat and pointed at Franklin who was mending a console now. “That fucking robot just broke my PSP XIVII, and he winked at me!”

Everyone stared at Piebeard inquisitively. Cheyenne walked over to Piebeard and strapped himself into his the seat next to him.

“Negative, winking is not one of his programmed functions and he doesn’t even have your PSP.”

“That’s because he stuffed it into his compartment.” Piebeard was jumping up and down in anger.

“He is not equipped with a compartment, Sir. I have him programmed to fix that console and nothing else, it would be impossible for him to violate his directive. You must be mistaken.”

“No, I’m fucking not mistaken. He winked at me.”

Captain Beefheart felt compelled to interrupt at this point

“Piebeard, just inform the ruddy crew that we are going to be breaking light speed in… when, Ensign?”

“Uh… now sir.”

The SS Beefheart gave a great lurch as it left the confines of light speed. The unbuckled Piebeard flew forward. He was staring at Franklin as he flew into a girder that broke both his legs. Before Piebeard blacked out from pain he could swear that the mechano-man was smiling at him.

“Fucking… robots… can’t smile…” He thought, and passed out.

Deliverance

Through the plasma ion-smoke they could see WhiteBoys smile shining in the dark like a beacon of hope for those lost at sea - or those facing imminent death from a gaggle of badly translated killers. His grin was as always, half hidden by one of his favorite synthetic cigars from the outer rim holiday planet "New Cuba". He had obviously been clothes shopping there too from the look of his garish shirt, open toed sandals and combat shorts, surplus stock from the Ion Wars no doubt. Just his style.

His favorite weapon of choice, a Plasma Cannon affectionally monickered in white spray paint as "Stella, the wife beater" was now slung over his shoulder and was still emmitting a series of high pitched chirps to record each of its kills.

"Yup. 5,000 creds at least it is you tossers!" he swaggered and he stepped towards Ubermilf tiptoing between the sticky mess of an ionised DeathNaut and the embarassed toilet mess of Beefheart.

"Old Stella here is registering 18 kills and still counting. And at 500 creds per DeathNaut's arse.. You are looking at one happy and rich White Boy."

"Good job I arrived when I did eh love?" he winked and slapped Ubermilf on the behind making her jump. Piebeard sniggered but was cut down by a curt glance from Uber.

"er.. Thanks for that Whiteboy we were er..." Uber began as Whiteboy leered towards her pressing her back up against a table, chewing on his stogie and dribbling slightly.

"..we were.. er.. in a real tight situation there!" she continued.

"Looks like you still are!" laughed Piebeard smuttily who was this time cut down by a deft head slap from Owl.

Beefheart strugged to his feet quickly grabbing a chair back to aid him, but also to hold in front of his groin to hide his staining.

"Thanks mate" he managed and stumbled towards the exit, calling back an order as he went. "Recovery plan Delta-3 Uber.. get all hands on it now".

"Ok crew. Lets get on it. Recovery Plan Delta-3. Piebeard, damage and systems report. Anthony, get to the armoury and check our weapons status. Owl and Chris, get to the cockpit and get us outta here. Taoski, get back on Recon duty, we need to make sure no more of these bastards are coming. And please put some clothes on!"

"Well.. Ube.. that leaves just you n' me" said WhiteBoy coyly. "Whats the plan? I'm gonna grab a quick Anti-Grav shower and then give my weapon a good hard clean... fancy.. coming?".

Ubermilf, normally a person of the utmost officiality squirmed under the pressure of the overbearing bounty hunters insinuation.

"I... er.. have security checks to do and er.. someones gotta oversee the sealing of that hull breach." She gibbered back, glancing over his shoulder towards the exit.

"Hull breach eh? I'm sure I got something you could use to plug it up with! Ha ha.." he retorted. "Sealing a hull breach is a bit like making love to a woman... you suit up, crawl around in the dark till you find the hole, grease the sides and then slap in a nanobot-replicating device and ease it in there."

"A replacement panel that is..."

"Personally i prefer to use Anoovidal Honey from the S8 System. Like me it's sweet, slick and comes in 2 flavours... tasty and yummy." WhiteBoy opened his eyes (which he had shut whilst he rolled his head and licked his lips to give the honey story a more sensual feel) only to find that Ubermilf had already gone, her footsteps clanking away into the distant hum of spaceship engine noise.

"Lager..." he muttered.

----------------------------------

Ubermilf and Beefheart stood on the top level of the observation deck whilst Piebeard bounced around outside the ship in his suit investigating the scorched hull breach. He grabbed hold of a nearby airlock handle, swung himself onto a cable lock and punched the comms button to contact his superior.

"The hole is pretty serious Maam. Not sure we can repair it our here in the deep - i have e-mailled Taoski to find us an orbit dock somewhere neutral in the general direction of Blogadoon. But right now we can plug it with a nano-shield until we can get it sorted... ok?"

"Ok.. do what you can Pie." Responded Ubermilf turning to Beefheart for a nod of concurrence.

Beefheart punched the console in front of him and pulled up the mic close to his face.

"Crew. This is your Captain speaking. Status report. We are still mission-go for Blogadoon after the ship has been repaired. Taoski is currently trawling the net for a safe dock nearby. Anyone who wants to leave this mission when we dock is more than welcome. Things are starting to get a little hot in the pan already and we have hardly started. My old enemy, The Church knows our mission and will most likely be waiting for us along the way. I repeat. No-one is being forced into this mission. As usual, you can see the Psych-droids if you need any counselling or see me in the bar for a free drink later. Prepare for hyperspace jump in 1 hour. Captain out."

The hour passed without any further incident. The crew were, for once, doing their jobs - not making fun of Cheyenneway's clothes and hair as they normally did this time of day. Taoski had appeared before Beefheart - this time with clothes - and the coordinates for the safe dock. Piebeard's nanobot friends (some crew members would say only friends) had put a temporary energy shield in place over the hull breach whilst Ensign Pereira made safe the inner chambers affected by the wound.

Beefheart and Uber sat together on the bridge whist the other senior members of the crew assembled for the impending lightspeed jump. It was a rare occasion for Beefheart to feel pride in his crew. They had faced real adversary in the preceding hours and had come through thanks to teamwork, leadership and good communication skills - exactly what he had put on the crews job requirements advert! As he glanced around at the now sitting colleages, no.. friends - he wondered which of them would be alive to see Blogadoon. They were all putting their faith into him and his leadership ability. It was a good feeling.

Taoski faded in and appeared floating above the last empty seat. He turned and fired a data stream to the nearby console, turned to Beefheart and smiled. Beefheart sat up straight in his chair, nodded to the pilot to start the engines and addressed the ship over the tannoy.

"Crew. Captain Beefheart speaking. We are now ready to make the journey to the dock for repairs. T-minus 30 and counting. Please make sure you are strapped in for this one - it could be a little rough." He flicked the switch and settled back to his chair.

"Captain..." Milf said. "Do you think we are in real danger from The Church? You know them best."

"Don't worry" he replied and surveyed the room with his hand. "With a team like this we can't fail!"

Milf just smiled.

Beefheart turned inqusitively to her. "Whats that purfume? Its nice. Its like.. er.. honey or something".

Milf turned away blushing to roars of laughter and jibes from the crew members. Whiteboy just winked and chewed down on his cigar.

"Shit..." thought Beefheart. "There goes that good feeling....".